1 Concrete Reason to Forever Despise Charles Bass
by zinniz
Summary: Blair's pregnant with the one and only spawn of the Devil -UES wise anyway- What's she going to do? How's Chuck going to handle it if she even tells him? So many decisions ...
1. Waking up, Blair style

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip girl. If I did (like so many other GG fanfic authors) Chuck and Blair would actually manage to stay together for more then just a few episodes.

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Chapter One:

Blair flinched. She was somewhere between dreaming and being fully aware that she was dreaming.

Definitely not a good thing, considering the dreams she had surrender herself to in the past few weeks and once she became aware enough of this she couldn't stand to endure another second of it.

She rose, tired and groggy. Ripping the blue sleeping mask from her face as she began clambering over to the closet.

On _second_ thought, the bathroom.

**Double speed.**

**Pronto.**

"Fuck," Blair grumbled as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. Hitting the side of the toilet lightly with her head. _What's wrong with me?_

Somehow, between muddled thoughts, she managed to fall back into a dreamless sleep, even if it _was_ on her bathroom floor.

Hours later, she awoke.

Something was _off._

Blair clutched her stomach as she slowly eased her body into a more comfortable position.

It hurt.

A tender, sore kind of hurt

Bringing her mouth to the rim of the toilet once again she closed her eyes and willed nothing to push back up. Imagining throwing up somehow made it less likely to happen and after a few moments she felt confident enough to remove herself from the bathroom.

_I'm hungry; I'm not going to throw up._ Blair frowned.

She had mistaken her stomach ache for something much worse than it was. She just needed food.

Her entire morning had been thrown and Blair Waldorf did not like to be taken for a loop so to collect herself once more she began compiling a very simple list of actions for the rest of the day as she got dressed.

**First food.**

"Ms. Blair, I think you need slow down now," Dorota inquired, watching Blair with wide eyes.

"Dorota, I'm fine," she answered roughly, shoving another forkful of eggs into her mouth.

In the past half an hour she'd gone through three times the normal amount of food Dorota (or anyone else for that matter) had ever seen Blair eat in one day. Much less an hour. She was ravenous. It wasn't her fault. Dorota was looking at her like she was an angry wolf tearing apart an amimal carcass. _Seriously,_she thought semi glaring at Dorota, _get a life._

So what? She was eating. Blair could eat like a normal person every once in a while.

Although she had gone into the kitchen with intent not to eat much of anything , at least not enough for another round with the toilet. She gazed upon all the scrambled eggs, fruit, and turkey bacon, and it quickly became a blur.

she resolved only to get rid of the aching feeling **once** she settled the fact that she wasn't going to let any of the food go to waste.

Falling back into her chair she smiled slightly, satisfied.

**Food, check.**

**Secondly, School.**

Ugh. Blair groaned, her smile disappearing altogether. She would have to show up at some point, she'd been avoiding S like the plague for several days. Give or take a few thousand phone calls.

"Dorota!" Blair screamed, "Get my coat, I'm leaving!"

For once she passed the hall mirror and didn't even look at herself.

_I'm disgusting_. She sighed, hearing Dorota approaching she turned and placed her arms in the sleeves as Dorota dropped the coat onto her shoulders. _I'm bloated and gross and I spent all morning throwing up._ She rolled her eyes.

"Have good day Ms. Blair" She exclaimed dutifully, hands clasped together at her abdomen.

Blair entered the elevator and pressed level.

_I'll try._

Maybe coming to school had been a big mistake. It was certainly beginning to feel like it as Blair walked quietly through the halls. _What if I run into Chuck? _She failed at surpressing the emotion that came with even thinking of his name and a shiver ran down her spine.

Her stomach was seemed to do what her head couldn't wrap itself around. At the exact moment the shiver reached her tailbone a portion of eggs launched themselves into her throat. She swallowed, wincing.

_At least my stomach knows it doesn't want him_, Blair couldn't help but smile at this.

She opened her locker and waited, drumming her nails on the smooth oak.

_Ding , ding, ding._

Blair busied herself by glancing half-heartedly at the contents of her locker as students began piling into the hallways.

"BLAIR!" Serena screeched from a few feet away, she quickly extended her arms and enveloped Blair into a rather uncomfortable hug.

"Where have you been?" She asked, quietly grabbing Blair's hand.

"I've called only half a thousand times, what's going on?"

Blair stared at Serena. Unsure of what to say. She herself didn't know what was going on.

How was she supposed to explain anything, what exactly what she explaining anyway? Blair's brow furrowed as she began to contemplate this a little too late.

"Uh B," Serena was frantically waving her hand in front of Blair's face. She had quickly replaced her excited smile with a confused sigh and a worried frown.

"Nothing S, I just haven't been feeling well," she managed her best Audrey smile before continuing "Really though, we need to talk."

"Okay B, sure" Serena replied hastily, hopefully sensing the urgency in Blair's words.

Maybe if she could just have a conversation with Serena things would straighten out.

They walked quickly arm and arm out the front entrance.

"Waldorf_," Fuck._

Blair unlinked her arm from Serena's and turned slowly.

_Gah. Scream. Danm. Go away. I almost made it out of here without seeing you. Go away, go away. I don't want to see you! _

"Bass," She addressed, her brown eyes narrowing.

"Where have you been?" He asked, his face emotionless.

_As if you care._

"Nowhere, and now if you don't mind I think I'll just continue with that" She replied icily.

"Want to take a ride in my limo?" he inquired, smirking. Clearly oblivious to the fact that she didn't want to even hear his voice much less ride in his limo of all the limo's she could be in right then.

_Typical Chuck._

"No, I'm with Serena and we're leaving." She scoffed, turning on her heels as Serena rushed to grab a hold of her waist.

"All work and no play makes Waldorf boring!" Chuck yelled after them.

Of course the Bass and Waldorf affair was no secret any longer, but it had been ages before. She had made a mistake, they hated each other. Although they maintained a somewhat stable communication of fake friendship, **most of the time.**

And then it hit Blair, like a ton of bricks, or rather scarf wearing Chucks. Serena wasn't the one she should be talking to about anything. She would immediately tie everything into the illusion that Blair was in love with Chuck ... which of course was in every way ridiculous _and _stupid.

But she couldn't turn to anyone else so Blair would have to surrender herself to hearing his name. Maybe she could settle for that right now.

An hour later Blair, curled up on her bed Serena opposite, they had exhausted every topic they could before she found the inevitable opening to telling Serena.

"S," She stated, "I've been throwing up."

Serena stretched out and sat up. "Oh no B, not again!" She cried.

"No, nothing like that" Blair assured her. Definitely not that.

"Then what?" Serena looked confused, slightly relieved that Blair wasn't back to old habits but still entirely lost.

"I don't know S. I've been throwing up and eating a lot, and ... throwing up. I don't know what-"

"Oh my god" Serena cut Blair off quickly.

"Are you?"

"Am I what?" Blair asked, irritated.

"Are you, pregnant?" Blair enquired softly.

"No, I'm ... no, I couldn't, no."_Oh my god. I didn't think about this. All the throwing up, all the eating this morning, the weight I've been gaining._

"Do you know for absolute sure?" Serena continued, "You need to be absolutely sure." Blair could hear the panic in her voice.

"I mean, I'm pretty sure." Blair was now trying to do the math, backwards, forwards, she couldn't count. She didn't know to do math right now, not the greatest time to blank here.

_I'm late. How did I not ... catch this._

" Serena, I'm late." She watched Serena's face, as she continued "I didn't think, I mean, it's ... its Chuck I didn't think, but, you mentioned it, and I, I just did the math and well ... I'm 3 weeks late." She could hear her voice, filled with uncertainty, shaking.

Serena inched up to Blair's side in a half embrace. Waiting.

"What am I going to do? I mean ... CHUCK. BASSHOLE. BASS. CHUCK FREAKING BASS. FUCK. What is there to do? What has to be done?" Blair screamed. Loud. Serena sat patiently rubbing Blair's back.

Blair contemplated throwing something for a few seconds before shaking her head and turning slightly to face Serena.

"S?" _Please have the answer. Please._

"B, it's going to be okay." She whispered softly, still rubbing Blair's back. "It's going to be okay."

Blair just sat there for a few minutes, repeatedly making sure she'd calculated properly. Serena was the first to break the silence.

She got up and began putting on her coat.

Blair felt confused. _What are you doing, I need you_

Pulling her blonde hair out from under her coat and gathering it into a ponytail she began "I'm going to go get a test right now, several tests. " Serena lay thick emphasis on the word several "I don't think you want to come with me but if you do, you can. If not, stay here. But we need to figure this one thing out before you spend any more time sulking."

Sulking probably wasn't the greatest word, brushing up on 10th grade math however...

And with those words Serena left.

Blair flopped down onto one side. She was trying to keep him out of her head. Trying to stop herself from thinking about what she was thinking about but somehow he was prevailing and she allowed herself that.

Some time later, she heard the click of Serena's heels as she lightly jogged across the entrance marble, up the stairs, and down the hallway. Blair sat up and walked down to the edge of the bed, anxious.

Serena appeared slightly dishevelled, a plastic bag in tow. She glanced carefully at Blair before walking straight into the bathroom.

_I don't want to go in there. I shouldn't have to be doing this. _

Admittedly, it took a minute or so for Blair to coax herself into moving from that spot and into the bathroom. If she didn't throw up from _morning sickness_ it was possible she was going to throw up just for the sake of throwing up.

Serena began to explain the instructions to Blair as she leaned up against the counter. Blonde hair concealing her face as she made sure she was explaining everything just how the pamphlet described.

She sat quietly inside the empty tub as Blair peed a little on each stick and capped them. It was silent for the most part; there was nothing really to be said.

Soon they were both sitting opposite each other inside Blair's tub. 9 pregnancy tests all from different suppliers lined the stone rim of the bathtub. Blair watched as Serena checked her phone again.

_It's time, oh no._

Serena picked up the test closest to her.

"B?" she gestured handing it to her but Blair shook her head.

Serena picked up one of the instruction pamphlets and gazed at the information window on the stick.

"How many lines does it have?" Blair choked out. She felt like ripping out her hair, or tearing something apart at least.

Serena looked at the test and then the pamphlet and back again.

"2," She answered.

"2?" Blair felt her voice rise. She picked up a second one and glared straight at it.

_Not, good. _

_Not, good._

_2 lines._

Blair was hysterical now. She picked up a third.

_2 lines._

A fourth.

_2 lines._

A fat tear slid down Blair's cheek. She didn't want to see them anyone. She gathered the remaining four and flung them as hard as she could at the door.

"Your pregnant ..." Serena gasped.

"I'm ... pregnant" Blair repeated.

_MOTHERCHUCKER!_

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_A/N: This is my second fanfic and I'm excited about the story! But I won't continue unless you want me too. If I do continue I'd love to hear about how you think the next chapter should go. Have a great Wednesday everyone ;)_


	2. Being THAT Waldorf

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip girl. If I did (like so many other GG fanfic writers) Chuck and Blair would manage to make it work for more then just a few episodes at a time.

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Chapter 2:

"B, I can stay ... really," Serena assured Blair as she stood up.

Blair hadn't moved for several hours, despite Serena's pleas, turned carless chatter followed by inevitable empty silence.

Serena 's anxious stares made her feel out of place, reminded her that she needed to think, think about several things. A plan needed to be constructed, conversations needed to take place, but she couldn't find the words.

Blair shook her head against her pillow, raising a dismissive hand towards Serena.

"No, I'm fine. Just go" Blair exclaimed flatly. _I'm not fine but I'd rather you be somewhere else, staring at something else, even __**Humphrey**__ at this point. _

"You'll-"

"I'll call you if I need anything" Blair mumbled, finishing Serena's sentence automatically.

"And if for any reason, any reason at all .." Serena paused, pulling on her shoes at the door. She turned to look at Blair lying motionless on the bed. She sighed. Serena felt a strong sense of dislike for this moment and for** any** and** all** moments leading up to what was holding Blair so tight. So ... seriously.

She could .... _do several inappropriate and over the top things to Chuck right then and not be sorry._ Then again, so could half of Manhattan Serena reminded herself.

"B, I'm here for you. Whatever you decide to do, if you decide to do it." Serena's voice grew hesitant, "Just don't forget about me, okay?"

The question was rhetorical and Serena was half expecting Blair to dismiss her monologue as silly. But the other part, the reasonable part, knew that the Blair she was trying to reach out to was caught somewhere inside that Serena couldn't follow.

"S, you're not going to say anything are you?" Blair rested her head on her elbow and frowned slightly.

"Blair, of course not."

Blair nodded once, and let her arm collapse underneath her.

Serena grabbed her cell phone off the dresser and turned it on. Happy that Blair had at least heard half of Serena's one sided conversation, and slipped as quietly as she could out into the hall.

Even though Blair wasn't actively keeping track of time it was safe to say it had been at least four hours since Serena had left, and Blair was beginning to get fed up with herself.

_I'm going to have to clean up the bathroom before Dorota notices._

That was reason enough to get up and she was slightly less aggravated when she managed to push herself onto her feet.

She shoved all of the pregnancy tests as far she could underneath her mattress and walked over to the window, pressing her cheek against the cool glass. Underneath numerous strangers were rushing to escape from the winter cold. Blair envied their movement.

She let her hands rest upon her stomach.

_A baby._

_My baby._

_Chuck's ... baby._

This was going to ruin her life. Completely tear her apart. She would be _that_ Waldorf.

Serena's words burned inside Blair now.

_Whatever you decide to do, if you decide to do it._

_What was Serena getting at? Abortion was out of the question, it was almost as ludicrous as considering adoption._

She would be lucky beyond belief if Gossip girl didn't manage to get her hands on the truth within the next week or two. At least she could be adult enough in the moment to acknowledge that.

_What to do about Chuck_, Blair contemplated as she paced from window to bed and back again. Her eyelids were getting heavy; her feet were trudging. Before Blair knew it, it was morning.

Friday.

Blair made herself face the day. No matter how slowly that process would occur.

She showered letting the warm water clear her thoughts, thankful that she didn't wake sick.

She pulled her blouse slightly out from her skirt, however prematurely paranoid she was being it was better than being hopeful that nobody would notice. After all, she was positively green and slightly fatter then she had been weeks before.

She yanked a brush through her matted brown locks, standing tear streaked face and all in front of her vanity. _Stop crying, you have to go to school. You HAVE to continue moving_, she commanded herself, rubbing a tissue under her eyes.

And soon she was out the door. She had asked Dorota not to bring around the car; she wanted to join the mass rush. Share in someone else's purpose, a collective goal.

_I'm going crazy and not even in a way that I'm unaware of it._

She arrived just as little J and Eric were running up the steps. She kept her head down and walked past them, afraid Erick had an idea of what was going on. Even though Serena had promised Blair knew she may not have extended that promise to include her younger brother.

Morning went by slower than the night had. She spent first period crouched over the toilet, suddenly somewhat indifferent that if anyone had heard they would just assume it was Blair being Blair. She finally emerged from the bathroom sometime halfway through second period, not a hair out of place.

She took a few deep breaths and started on towards class. _I'll just tell Mrs. Tellar that I ... oh whatever she's not going to ask._

She thrust her hands into her sweater and looked down the hallway.

Nate Archibald in all his freakish perfection had caught Blair's eyes from a few yards away and jogged lightly over to her, schoolbooks in hand.

"Hey Nate," Blair exclaimed sheepishly, bawling her hands into fists inside her sweater.

"Hey," Nate replied casually coming to a stop a few feet away.

An awkward silence followed, Blair shifted uncomfortably. "So ... what's up Archibald?" She asked curiously after a few seconds.

"Nothing, I just haven't seen you around. Serena said you were sick." _Arg. If Nate knows I'm sick, Chuck's bound to appear at some point. Note to self: Kill Serena. __**Slowly.**_

"Oh, uh yep. I'm pretty sick." _Understatement of the year._

"Well, see yah 'round?" Nate asked, flashing an award winning smile.

"You know it Archibald"

"We should all get together afterschool or something, ice cream, central park?" He continued.

"Sure, bye" _Why the hell not._

Nate touched Blair's shoulder softly and continued onto a group of his soccer buddies.

Blair smiled to herself. Proud that she had managed to make plans, keep _up with the normal_. Blair kept her head busy with light chatter as she passed down the halls in search of Serena.

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"We need to get you to a doctor you know." Serena whispered as she finished slopping ketchup onto a hotdog.

Blair and Serena had abandoned their usual met steps lunchspot to talk without the absoloute garuntee of being overheard.

"Shh, KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN!" Blair retorted, paying the street vendor while juggling two hotdogs.

"Sorry!"

"And I know S, I have thought about this a little."

"Hey well thinking about it or not I'm just glad you got out of bed. Threats were being formed with every hour you didn't call me."

"Relax S, your threats don't scare me anyway." Blair laughed, raising a hotdog to her lips.

"That's good because I might have called Chuck" Serena replied jokingly. "Look on the bright side, Blair Waldorf's eating." She glanced at Blair's full hands.

"Fantastic right." Blair replied between chewing, rolling her eyes. _I'd eat straight until I gained 20 pounds if I could reverse this. Until I gained 20 pounds and then hired a trainer to work it off that is. _"There's one problem with all this though."

"Gossip girl" Serena answered knowingly. _Bingo. _

"Exactly," Blair concluded. Dropping the last bite of hotdog into her mouth. "Anyway, Nate talked to me today."

Serena started walking uptown beside Blair in the direction of Constance." He did, what did he say?"

"Nothing, we're hanging out with him afterschool" Blair stated.

"What are we doing?" Serena questioned, a note of surprise in her tone.

"Something about ice cream and central park" _Why does she sound so surprised? _Blair's body tensed trying to think of what she was clearly missing in all this.

"And you're not worried about seeing-"

It took a second for Blair to fully focus on exactly what Serena was thinking and then she felt useless and stupid.

"Chuck," She answered numbly. _Okay being pregnant deducts brain cells, it's official ._

_Or maybe it's just being pregnant with Chuck's baby that deducts brain cells. _Her brisk walk slowing considerably.

Serena saw that Blair obviously hadn't drawn this outcome when she agreed. Frowning slightly she attempted to be comforting "B, we can back out. I mean Nate knows your sick and everything."

"I can't" Blair's voice was hard to catch over all the city noise. Her brow was furrowed, calculating something. No doubt seeing a problem that Serena definitely wasn't seeing.

"If we cancel it'll be suspicious." Blair shuddered. She'd been so elated about the sense of normality such plans with friends brought. It turned now to a tricky game of pretend.

She wished Serena would see how naive she was being by thinking they could just cut themselves out of plans without question. _Yeah, right._

Serena was trying her best to see things the way Blair was envisioning them "Okay B, what do we do then?"

Blair dropped her head, sighed loudly and glared with all she could at the pavement.

"We go." Blair's voice boomed suddenly, firm and sure. As she picked up pace once again down the street.

_Note to self revisited: Kill Serena later._

_No Bass can keep **Blair Waldorf** down._

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_A/N: So I've decided to continue on with the next chapter of the story since a few people seemed to like the first one. Thanks for everyone who reviewed and subscribed! I hope you like this chapter, Please review!!! I love hearing your suggestions/predictions. Have a great thursday night ;)_


	3. Central Park tells the truth

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl. If I did (like so many other GG fanfic writers) Chuck and Blair would manage to stay together for more then just a few episodes at a time.

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Chapter Three**:**

Blair pressed her mouth into a tight line; she was beginning to taste leftover dinner, breakfast and lunch.

_Morning sickness doesn't just apply to mornings so fucking ring already!_

She clutched the sides of her desk and concentrated on applying as much strength as she could to keeping her mouth shut.

As soon as last bell rang Blair was up and running through throngs of her peers desperately hoping she'd reach the toilet before the bile reached her front teeth.

Serena found Blair just as she was washing her hands.

"Sick?" She asked simply, looking at Blair with sympathetic eyes.

"You guessed it, good thing I brought mints." _Or ... at least I hope I did._

Serena smirked. "Nate's outside, he's waiting."

"No Chuck?" Blair tried to sound casual but her voice came out loud and over excited at the idea as she rummaged through her purse in search of anything minty.

"Not that I saw, but you know Chuck," _More of him then you want to know._

Blair looked up for a brief second before continuing her search.

"Good, great." _Finally, a mint! "_I don't know if I'll be able to keep the rest of this food down though S."

_Best to warn her now in case I have to throw up in a trashcan on the way there or something._

"Okay well, possible explanations for this?"

"No explanations," Blair shot back. "I'm sure I won't be throwing up in a trashcan or anything." Blair mock laughed at the idea before adding "I'm just being myself as far as Nate goes."

"Right, you being you," Serena agreed. "What if Nate asks and Chuck's there?"

"Dismiss it, and hopefully Chuck won't be." Blair answered quickly while opening the door.

"Don't count on it B."

_I'm trying not to._

"BLAIR, SERENA!" Nate hollered as soon as he spotted them coming down the front steps.

Serena nudged Blair in the ribs playfully.

"No Chuck" She whispered, smiling.

"Hey" she hollered back as they reached Nate on the sidewalk, hugging him briefly.

Just as Blair was taking in every surrounding face in search of Chuck a black limo pulled up silently in front of them.

_Its okay, it doesn't have to be who you think it is_.

She could feel Serena's hand wrap around her arm and tighten in anticipation, she ignored it.

The optimism Blair had begun to acknowledge was fading fast.

The limo door opened welcoming everyone inside.

Blair's heart fell to her feet and smashed into a thousand pieces on the pavement.

"Hey Chuck," Nate called into the limo as he climbed inside.

Serena turned to face Blair, searching her face for any emotion.

"B?"

"Get in Serena" Blair's voice cracked.

Blair exhaled and followed behind. _Why did I agree to this?_

She slid in beside Serena and slowly gathered the courage to look up. Chuck was sitting comfortably across from them, tousled brown hair, and flushed cheeks.

She was drinking in every bit of him greedily.

He dissolved her anger and replaced it with panic. _At least I'm not smiling, I will not smile. _Blair wavered slightly in this idea before placing all her concentration on pouting.

"Central park" Chuck instructed the driver before addressing everyone.

"Serena, Nate" He paused, forming a smirk "Blair." _Arg. Why does his voice have to be so inviting._ Blair cut those images out of her train of thought before they had a chance to get any larger.

Serena managed to carry conversation for the entire trip to Central. Insisting the weather had turned too cold for ice cream of any kind. Nat agreed with little argument. _At least Serena managed to shave valuable minutes off of this outing_ Blair thought gratefully.

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"Burr, I didn't expect it to be this cold when I woke up this morning" Serena complained rubbing her bare arms vigorously.

Nate laughed as he sat down on a bench. "You shouldn't have left your coat in the limo."

"Probably not" Serena admitted.

"Finally, my feet are sore." Blair grumbled aloud to no-one.

"Yeah, well we have been walking for a while" Nate noted, brushing a hand through his hair.

"Forty or so minute's right?" Serena wondered, resting her head on Blair's shoulder.

Blair had managed to escape conversation with Chuck almost the entire time except for the basic responses and reactions. He stood in front of them now, making no effort to hide his stolen glares at Serena.

She closed her eyes.

"I'm going to be-"Blair bit her tongue and got up quickly, trying to remain calm.

Serena sensing what was happening, attempted to engage Nate and Chuck in useless conversation. But both sets of eyes were locked on Blair fumbling towards the park entrance.

_I'm not going to make it_. She doubled over, dropped to her knees in pure defeat and threw up what looked to be lunch.

Several people had stopped to stare.

_Great, just fucking GREAT._

Serena appeared at her side with Chuck and Nate several curses later.

"Some cold" Nate marvelled as he took a hold of Blair's elbows and helped her to her feet.

She turned to look at Chuck. He looked surprised, his mouth was open slightly, his lips pale and dry. She focused on his expression. _Does he know? Oh he can't that's ridiculous. I could just be really sick._ She was losing the debate to herself regarding whether or not she still had a secret to keep.

Chuck's jaw set tight, his brown eyes widened, he was looking her over, really taking her in. The slight fat of her thighs, the bloated look of her cheeks, she wanted to know what he was thinking. She wanted to hear the exact thoughts, trace the exact differences but her stomach had other plans.

"Take me home" Blair ordered, "Before it happens again!" With that, Nate picked Blair up and took her carefully to the limo. She sighed deeply. _Way to keep a low profile._ She tightened her eyes shut but kept seeing Chucks face, no doubt he would want some questions answered.

As soon as she was done throwing up the contents of her digested meals.

Blair couldn't remember entirely what had gone on but she knew that Serena had fought to take Blair up to the penthouse. She had done everything but physically assaulted Nate and Chuck simultaneously.

She remembered the doorman holding her up as Chuck told the driver to take Ms. Van Der Woodsen and Mr. Archibald to their respective destinations.

She remembered the lunch she had thrown up **right on the grass**, in Central park.

But other than that Blair was drawing a blank. She drifted in and out of consciousness, as her stomach rejected every bit of food she had eaten in the last twenty hours. It was dark outside once again and Blair could feel a routine coming on as she finally managed to get herself out from under her toilet and through the bathroom door.

_I don't care how I got here._

_I don't care how hungry I am._

_I don't care how sick I feel._

_I just want to sleep._

Blair climbed into her bed and dove under the soft, cold covers.

_Someone's sitting on my bed._

Blair jumped up, breathless from such an unexpected realization.

"I was wondering when you'd notice me."

"I haven't, go away" Blair groaned, falling back onto the bed and throwing back the covers slightly.

"Blair," Chuck's voice was barely above a whisper.

"Why are you sick?"

She got up slowly once again. _Fuck, he figured it out._

"I-"

"Don't lie to me" He said angrily, looking at her.

She looked back. _Should I tell him?_

The room was silent for several added seconds as Blair created a pro / con list in her head while maintaining the painfully upsetting stare contest with her ex- lover.

"Where's Serena?" She managed to choke out. _So much for pros and cons._

Chuck grunted. "She's at home. I had to do everything but cuff her to Nate to get her to leave you with me."

"Oh" _At least she tried._

"Blair, **why **are you sick?" He repeated. His voice gruff and a few tones louder.

"Chuck,"

"Fuck, I KNEW IT."

"Wha-"

"Where you planning on telling me at any point?" A vein in Chuck's forehead was pulsing.

"I- I hadn't, no. No, I wasn't" Blair was hesitant.

Chuck had gotten off the bed and had begun pacing.

_If I had just made it to the bathroom._

**If I had just made it to the bathroom.**

Was all Blair could think about.

Suddenly he was at her side, seizing her shoulders.

He had taken off his carefully constructed mask and it overwhelmed her.

She saw everything from fear and loathing, to surprise and confusion, to love and adoration.

He leaned in and kissed her. Softly at first, but it soon turned to a dangerous type of desperation. He crushed himself against her; it was all she could do just to catch her breath.

He collapsed beside her a few minutes later, with a satisfied groan.

He was pressuring himself to accept this information and in the process his emotions jumbled.

Blair closed her eyes. _I'm not even going to begin to think about that_

She didn't want to talk to him anymore; she could feel his breath on her cheek. If he had any wrath left inside he could take it out on her later.

She remembered groggily attempting to talk Chuck into leaving, giving up soon thereafter, and drifting to sleep beside him, more vulnerable then she wished to be.

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_A/N: Please review, It gives me inspiration to continue writing! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Have a great sunday ;)_


	4. Knowing when to keep your mouth shut

Blair squinted, rubbing her eyes.

Looking down she noticed an arm, a very familiar arm, slung around her waist. She held her breath and turned her head slowly, afraid of moving.

_I'm going to scream._

Chuck was asleep beside her, his forehead pressed against her shoulder. She immediately wished she could rewind the past day to the **exact **point she thought saying yes to Central Park would be a good idea.

_Hello I'll take a swim with the blood thirsty sharks just south of any place someone might see me._

She stifled a shiver.

She snapped her head back in place and began at the tedious task of untangling herself from Chuck. The actions all but ripping themselves out of almost every memory she had with Bass.

Blair stood triumphant, a devious look in her eyes as she glanced back at him, now holding onto one of her goose down pillows ... entirely oblivious.

_If I leave he'll just come back or even worse, wait for me._ She reasoned with herself, as she threw on a robe and trampled down to the kitchen.

Dorota had caught on fast and as Blair stepped onto the cold marble she noticed the smorgasbord of food displayed very delectably on the table.

She devoured several plates full heartily, even stopping to lick her fingers. _If I'm going to throw this entire thing up I might as well give myself variety._

"Dorota" Blair called into the foyer.

"Yes Ms. Blair?" Dorota appeared at the doorway to the guestroom, holding a stack of freshly washed linens.

Serena's voice floated back into Blair's thoughts. _"We've got to get you to the doctor you know"_

"Make an appointment with my doctor for noon" _Whatever Chuck wants to say can't last longer than that._

"Ms. Blair, you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I just need to see the doctor." Blair affirmed.

Exasperation hit Blair heavily. Talking to Dorota took too much time and energy these days.

_At least I can count on her being afraid of me, definitely better than any kind of promise or oath._

Blair took her time trailing back up to her room, counting her steps from heel to toe reaching her doorway all too soon.

_Trouble_.

Blair surveyed the room quickly. Chuck was still asleep, his body contorted and halfway under the sheets.

Blair's heart was fluttering, the blood in her veins pulsing feverishly. She dropped herself onto a chair in front of her vanity. Blair started to bang her head on the edge of it absentmindedly. Running over the details of last night and frantically considering all conversation that might take place once Chuck woke.

_Killing myself would be easier._

She rose quietly and strode to the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. She undressed, with the intention of a shower possibly helping to unlink the knots in her Chuck situation. Maybe even give her words to say.

Half an hour later, Blair emerged from the bathroom after much inner argument with herself. Her hair was damp and hung in thin ropes around her shoulders, a purple robe hanging from her frame. A pink ribbon tied tightly around her waist.

Blair was in the process of deciding upon an outfit, hands on her hips. She was reaching forward for a better look at a particular section of shirts, when she felt him behind her. Too far for contact, too close for comfort.

"Bass" She acknowledged, rolling back on her heels.

He caught her elbow and pulled her back, his moist lip grazing the tip of her ear "This robe suits you" he whispered. A serious undertone present as he toyed with the ribbon holding it closed.

"You cease to surprise me" Blair retorted, turning to face him. Unabashed at his words.

Images where falling through her mind like sand in a sieve.

_His hands across her breasts, his mouth to hers._

_His fingers on her thigh, clutching the muscle. _

_Pushing her into the wall, hoisting herself onto him. A playful force._

Blair swung her head from side to side once to shake the replay off its axis and raised her face to meet his.

"So now you know,"

"Do I?"

"Don't play games with me Chuck – this isn't a game." Her tone was cool, her eyes burning.

"No Waldorf it's not, but you were beginning to play it like one" _Your one to talk._

He moved closer, pulling slowly at her robe. _Count on Chuck to keep the lines blurred._

Her thoughts were turning to mush, she wanted to scream, slap him. Anything to take his seductive dark eyes off of her. Push him with two hands out the door and banish him from her life forever.

But she knew that if she wanted anything from him, she would have to abide by his rules this once.

_Be civil._

"What do you want?" Blair grabbed his wrist from its resting place on her hipbone and twisted it backwards keeping herself from snapping it right then.

"It's mine I'm assuming" His voice was cool. Meeting her attempt at polite hatred.

"Don't fucking start with me Bass," Blair warned, forfeiting the game. _Screw the rules._

"I'm just clearing some things up" _Breaking them down._

"No you're not, you're fighting with me" _You're not going to win. _

Chuck looked around "Who's fighting? If you're referring to me I do believe my tone has a calm tone to it, you seem to be the only one with your hair on a point" He raised his fingers, tracing her jaw line "Poor Blair,"

"Oh give me—"She tried to brush him off but she couldn't hear anything over the thundering in her chest. He was overpowering her fight.

A soft knock came at the door, Blair's eyes widened.

"Ms Blair, it noon almost" Dorota's broken English passed through the door. Blair stared at the floor, a blush rising to her cheek ... waiting for the sound of retreating footsteps . But Dorota remained for confirmation.

"I'll be down in a minute" _Several, actually. _And then Dorota disappeared from the doorway. Clearly unable to sense the heat and tension pushing at the door and crashing into the ceiling.

Blair took a step backward from Chuck's heavy stare, turning back to her closet. She carelessly hauled a few articles of clothing onto her arm and rushed into the bathroom. Dressing hurriedly.

_I wish I could just melt through the floor._

"Where are you going?" Chuck inquired as Blair slipped on a pair of Manolo's.

"None of your business"

"To Serena" Chuck assumed.

"Yes, if you must know. Now I think you should leave." _A little white lie never hurt anyone, but I want it to hurt you._

She grabbed her purse, checked the time and all but ran down the hall, feeling Chuck follow.

_I'm getting a migraine._

She reached the last step and glared meaningfully at Dorota holding out her coat. She slipped into it angrily and turned to faux smile at her maid.

"Mr. Chuck?" Dorota's eyes dashed from Blair to Chuck and finally back to Blair.

"Why hello Dorota." Chuck ensued politely.

"Ms. Blair, I called the doctor-"

"THAT'S ENOUGH DOROTA" Blair screeched huffing.

_I'm going to scream, and break something, and hit Dorota. And if I could do that all at the same time I think I might be happy. _Blair collected her composure and gestured at Dorota to leave.

She could just hear Chuck breathing poison behind her, ready to swallow her entirely.

"Doctor?"

"Yes, I have to go to the doctor"

"You aren't going to Serena's. Nice play Blair." _You still found out so apparently not._

Blair sighed and turned to meet his gaze again. Eye's narrowing, shoes firmly on the ground _I will not falter, I will give in." I said nothing, you assumed."_

"What's it to you" She added, breathing through clenched teeth.

"I'm coming" He assured her blankly. _Oh no your not._

"No you're not"

"We can do this the right way, or the wrong way Blair. You decide" If_ I had my way you wouldn't even be here._

Chuck continued, taking advantage of the silence.

"Need I remind you of my rights," He brought his lips to her neck. Blair's pulse quickened.

"Fine, let's get this over with." She swallowed hard. His hair was tickling her chin, teasing her.

Chuck trailed soft kisses to her collarbone before agreeing

"Get it over with **indeed."**


	5. Under wraps, or sunglasses at least

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gossip girl. If I did (like so many other GG fanfic writers) Chuck and Blair would manage to make things work for more then just a few episodes.

* * *

Chapter five:

"Blair, your being difficult" Chuck was standing next to his limo, his hand extended. Attempting to usher her inside.

"Maybe I **want** to walk," _I'm not going to be agreeable Bass, bite me._

"Let's be reasonable here, you're in six inch heels and your doctor from what you've told me, is on the other side of the city" Chuck struggled to keep his irritation from turning to rage.

Blair stood still, letting the wind whip her hair around in loops and twists. She contemplated his reasoning, letting her head swish around the positive ideals of letting him think he won this small battle.

She suddenly imagined them as two dogs snarling at each other, poised to bite but afraid to attack.

Blair laughed, as tears prickled at her eyes.

"What's so funny?" Chuck seethed. _You_

She struggled to steady her breathing and arched an eyebrow. He stepped forward "Fine, walk. I'll wait for you there." Chuck glanced at his watch, a smirk playing on his lips "In about two hours."

Blair mumbled a curse and sauntered into the limo. _You only think you won Bass_

"I'm too exhausted to fight right now" Blair explained truthfully as Chuck sat down across from her.

"Thankfully," he breathed too low for her to hear.

Blair looked out the window, watching the streets pass and fade behind them. Chuck was thumbing the corner of his scarf, his brown eyes skimming her constantly. He opened his mouth to speak but grimaced instead. He was showing too much of himself, Blair or no Blair, it would become no habit of his.

Blair's hands rested lightly on her stomach, he memorized this image quickly before she had a chance to notice.

The limo skidded to a stop and Blair tore her gaze away from the window, pulling a silk bandana and sunglasses out of her purse. She stretched up to pull her hair into an elastic and placed the bandana around it without the help of a mirror.

She recognized a questioning look flash across Chuck's face before he smothered it.

"Gossip girl" She answered without being asked. Placing the sunglasses on the bridge of her nose and pushing them up.

He nodded once, tucking his scarf further into his jacket and stepping onto the street.

Blair knew it was stupid to disguise herself, if a bandana and sunglasses could even be _called_ a disguise. but she was willing to try anything for just a few extra days, even weeks of privacy.

It's not like she was going to a contraception clinic, just the family doctor. But going with Chuck Bass would raise some eyebrows, dot a few i's and cross a few t's. _Might as well keep that pen out of anyone's hand while I still can._

Blair felt more like a fish trapped in a fishbowl with each step she took towards the doors. She wasn't only fighting the system and Chuck, but she was also managing to take on Gossip girl as well. Blair couldn't help but roll her eyes at the truth presented in that thought.

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - _

Chuck looked almost as uncomfortable as Blair felt as they waited in a room filled with several diagrams and jars of various medical supplies.

Blair was wearing the dreaded paper patient gown swinging her legs off the edge of the examining table, Chuck casually lounging in the chair opposite her.

She was counting to one hundred, slow but sure. Her thoughts needed to stay within the lines; she needed to prolong the feeling of numbness that had washed over her hours before.

Trying to ignore his gaze without allowing him into her thoughts.

"Your doctors an imbecile" Chuck stated loudly.

"Will you keep your mouth shut? She's just busy today."

"Busy loosing her job at this point."

"Don't Chuck."

"Fine, fine" he exclaimed, turning his thoughts over to her paper gown.

"Glamorous isn't it?" Blair cried, a tint of sarcasm in her voice. _Eat it up because this is the closest your eyes are ever going to get to seeing me naked again._

"It practically screams runway," Chuck shifted in his chair before adding "But you'd look better without it." He was clearly happy with himself. His disgusting, loathing, perverted self.

_Isn't it enough that I'm pregnant and you made me this way._

Blair shot him an icy stare, choosing to let the comment go. Although in her head she had lunged forward at him, tearing at his clothes, devouring every part of him. A lioness claiming her prey, letting the ebbing desire takes control. Blair mentally slapped herself for such outlandish thoughts, especially in public. In front of him no less. _Thinking things you otherwise wouldn't think if you weren't pregnant? Check._

She turned to focus all of the frightening desire on the crème colour of the walls.

"Hello Ms. Waldorf" A voice came from in front of her. She took her time collecting thoughts and images one by one as she allowed a small smile in the direction of her audience.

"Hello, Dr. Lell" Blair announced, her voice faraway. She watched her doctors gaze fall on Chuck and hastily added "Dr. Lell this is my _friend_-"

Chuck rose and extended his arm. Blair shot him a** be nice or else** look as subtly as she could muster.

"Chuck, Chuck Bass." _Ugh, sit down. Basshole._

"Nice to meet you," Dr. Lell replied, taking his hand in a firm shake. Chuck sat back down and brought his burning gaze to Blair, his face unclear.

Dr. Nell took a seat in front of the both of them and rolled to the end of the examining table, flipping through Blair's charts. "So what are we here for today?" she inquired absentmindedly, without looking up from the pages.

Blair wanted to into a ball, dig a hole to China, or at least hide herself in one of the cupboards.

"P-p" Blair shuddered. _Pregnancy, come on say it._

Chuck noticed the struggle in Blair's eyes. Her arms were shaking, she was resolving to a blubbering ball of shame right before his eyes.

"She's pregnant" Chuck's voice filled the cracks. _I could hug you right now, even though you don't deserve it and I definitely don't even want to touch you._

Dr. Nell closed Blair's folder, and moved her stool back a little.

"Have you taken a pregnancy test?" She questioned in a very professional tone.

Blair felt like she was going to cry, it was like she had no voice left. She nodded fast, her brown hair falling in front of her eyes.

"Alright, we'll just need to confirm that quickly with a test of our own. Pretty standard stuff." Blair's doctor was on her feet in seconds. Lightly walking over to the cupboards shifting through several items before finding what she wanted.

She turned to Blair and handed her a tiny plastic jar.

"Pee in this and then leave it with a nurse. We'll take it from there."

Several minutes later, after following the doctor's orders she re-entered the room, Dr. Nell behind.

A grave look fell on the doctor which confirmed what neither Blair nor Chuck really needed to be confirmed. _There it is, one concrete reason to forever despise Charles Bass. Not that I ever really needed one._

"So, it looks like your having a baby" Dr. Nell began, her voice hesitant. Not sure whether she was treading a problem to be removed or altering lives forever.

Blair forced herself to look at Chuck. Surprisingly she couldn't find a hint of anger in his face; she couldn't see any emotion on his face. He had his mask up and he wasn't taking it down even now under such intimate circumstances.

"So let's just see how far along you are shall we?"

Blair layed back slowly on the examination table, fighting off tears and undeniable upset.

She closed her eyes for a moment, as Dr. Nell explained what she was about to do. Placing a soft hand on Blair's abdomen and kneading the fat. _Fat that wasn't there before, at least not that much._

" Ms. Waldorf I'd say your about ... 10 weeks" Dr. Nell concluded with a smile, retreating back to her seat.

Blair rose, swinging her legs over the side. "What does that mean?" She questioned, unable to lock her eyes on anything but the floor.

"Your about 2 weeks away from your second trimester"

"My ...

Second, that seems fast" Blair was proud of herself for being able to even find words in the face of such a real thing.

"Well, the first trimester goes by relatively fast. Much morning sickness, fatigue?"

"Quite a bit"

"All very normal, in fact it'll lessen once your first trimesters over. That's just your body preparing itself."

Blair rolled the words around in her mouth.

"Preparing itself, right" She agreed with a firm nod. _Chuck should not be here._

"Now if you're considering other options"

"No, no other options."

"Maybe you want to think about it a little Blair" Dr. Nell suddenly turned personal.

"No, I assure you that I don't. My mind was made up long before now"

"Okay, well ... I guess I'll give you a prescription for some prenatal vitamins. Again, pretty standard stuff." _That's what she said_

Blair kept readjusting her thoughts, drifting from unimportant back to the task at hand.

"Anything else I need to know?"

"I'll give you a list of foods you can and can't eat. I'll expect to see you back here in six weeks for a check-up."

Blair sucked in a deep breath. So much information, sizzling and new. She felt like she might vomit, her vision was blurring.

"And the baby?"

Dr. Nell looked up from writing.

"Mmm?"

Blair could feel Chuck's eyes watching her mouth in curiosity. She didn't dare give him the satisfaction of a glance, however brief it would be.

"What can you tell me about it?" _God , Chuck's here. What am I doing. _

"Well it has fingernails, and it's forming the essentials right now. I'll be able to tell you more when you come back." _She said fingernails. How Juno of her._

With those words the doctor took her leave, Chuck following behind.

Blair took no notice of what she was doing. She dressed and walked out of the clinic in a dreamy haze. Stopping abruptly as she spotted Chuck leaned against the limo. He was the knife cutting her out of her haze and pushing her back into reality. _Leave me alone_

Blair stepped past him, opened the door for herself and got in.

They were halfway back to Blair's penthouse before Chuck spoke. He had a glass of amber liquid in his hand, and was staring at it awkwardly.

"So,"

Blair placed her hand around her waist, and looked up.

"So?"

"Blair,"

"Chuck Le-"

"No, we have to talk about this." _No, we don't and I won't._

"I'll deal with it, it's not your problem."

"Waldorf don't play grownup, I'm not in the mood." _Drink up then._

"Don't be an asshole." Blair shot back, staring at him now. Anger bubbling in her throat.

They had stopped in front of her building; she sighed and slid over to the door, placing her hand on the door.

Chuck was pissed, she knew it. And she didn't want to talk about this. After all he had insisted to come ... it was absolutely none of his business. Whatever he was thinking now he had brought upon himself. She would let him stew; contemplate her words, without giving him a chance to tear her further into the ground. The game was over.

Blair lifted herself from the limo, and ran to the entrance without looking back.

"I'll be back tonight B, don't hold your breath" He screamed after her gruffly. _Don't worry, I won't. But you should_

* * *

_A/N: I decided to continue (I have fresh inspiration!) Thanks to everyone who reviewed and subscribed. I hope you like this chapter! Sorry for all the grammar mistakes (I know there are a few) I'm so excited for GG tonight! I hope there are some good Chuck/Blair scenes 3_


	6. I want to tear you apart

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gossip Girl. Although if I did (like so many other GG fanfic writers) Chuck and Blair would actually manage to make it work for more then a few episodes at a time.

**Warning: **There is smut in this chapter, towards the end.

* * *

Chapter six:

Blair had been so exhausted she passed on dinner and fell asleep straight away, despite several worried knocks at the door from Dorota. Blair slept heavily and rose disorientated and irritated at around midnight.

At least she didn't feel the insistent need to throw up at regular intervals (mostly) anymore. She just ate more; exercised regularly and still gained weight. Something she wasn't entirely fond of, okay she loathed it, but it was normal for her condition and that outweighed her hatred for cellulite ... slightly.

She fumbled towards the door, tripping over her own feet. Even though it had been 3 weeks since she last laid eyes on Chuck Bass as a result of constant avoidance on her part. She still remained somewhat paranoid and anxious at the thought of him randomly showing up at her doorstep, in her elevator, outside her building.

It was exhausting to be on edge all the time, and the tender bump protruding slightly was exactly enough reason as to why she shouldn't be doing what she was. But Blair would do as she pleased alone, without anyone if she had to. She had thought this over; she was as ready as she could ever be. It was simple, plain.

Blair had taken to talking to her stomach, rubbing it fondly. She was growing more attached at every passing second even if it was just to constant fatigue, hunger, and emotional craziness, at this point at least.

She wandered into the bathroom and started to draw a bath. _I just need to clear my thoughts a little_

Stepping out of her nightgown and slipping into the warm water, Blair tilted her head back on the edge of the tub, placing her arms on the sides. _Relax_ she coaxed herself, _just relax_

She'd thought of Chuck at least twice a day, it angered her. It kept her in check, it reminded her to keep strong, keep faithful, and to most importantly stay away.

Chuck Bass was and had _always_ been bad news. She wouldn't allow him to stay in her life, be in her baby's life. As far as she was concerned not one part of her belonged to him, even if every part screamed for him. _I will muffle the desire, I will keep myself strong. _

She closed her eyes and thought of rainbows and chocolate, tracing a finger around her abdomen slowly.

Blair spent the next few hours racing around her room at full speed, throwing things amiss just to come back around and pick everything up again. She was looking for something to do, anything and eventually she fell back asleep curled up against a pillow on the floor.

She woke just as the sun was rising up against the backdrop of the city; she jumped up and skipped without thought to her closet. Throwing on a dress and pulling on a coat, slipping on some low grade heels. Blair wanted to be the city, watch the rising sun. She ran into the street, pulling her cell phone out of her purse. She dialled Serena's number and held the phone to her ear, restless and jittery. _She won't be up this early baby, but we can try anyway_ Blair addressed her stomach, mentally criticizing her overwhelming clinginess.

Serena wasn't awake yet, or at least she was too busy to grab her phone, either way, Blair left a message and allowed herself to be pushed forward by the crowd. Unsure of where she was going, or where she would end up ... too busy looking up at the sky to notice her feet.

* * *

5 hours, several hundred blocks, and a bookstore later Blair was sitting in a tiny cafe sipping on a cup of scalding green tea. She finished slowly, letting the last drops of liquid burn down her throat. Her phone vibrated almost off the table, catching it just before it crashed to the floor Blair flipped it open.

"Hello?"

"Hey B" Serena's voice filled in from the other side.

"Hey, did you get my message?"

"Yeah, I was thinking we could meet for lunch ..." Serena quipped eagerly_. Could you be any more cheery, for fuck sakes?_

"S," Blair felt suspicion creeping into her thoughts, but quietly pushed such an absurd stupidity out of her voice, "Never mind."

"Okay B, I'll meet you at Sip" Blair laughed a little, sip. How _common_.

Blair ended the call after finishing up with specifics and dialled Dorota for the town car. _I Blair Waldorf do not take taxis, under __**no**__ circumstances._

* * *

She arrived at the restaurant several minutes early, ragged and feeling sick, unusually exhausted. Her smooth curls abandoned for a messy ponytail, several long strands escaping and trailing around her pale face.

She slumped into a chair, angrily pushing off her coat, rapidly drinking glass after glass of iceless water. She could no longer sit straight up without the hint of an unnatural fat hinting in her hips. _Stupid dress, it should be looser._

Blair closed her eyes and laid her head on the table, happy for the cool touch of metal to her forehead. A few minutes later she heard the scrape of a chair being pulled back, felt the motion of air beside her, and waited.

"B?" Serena's voice was anxious, fear fazing the edges, taking in a Blair Waldorf she had never seen outside of closed doors. _I'm tired and hungry, and maybe even though I don't normally lie down on tables, I'm going to start. _

She slowly lifted her head tilting her chin towards the ceiling, placing a half smile on her lips. Eyes widened, pulse quickened, she felt flush and ambushed, hope fizzling and hitting the ground. It took a few steadying seconds of silence before Blair spoke, her eyes narrowing to slits of disappointment and utter surprise.

"Chuck, wh-"She hissed, placing the palms of her hands on the table, ready to push herself out of her seat. _I will kill you Van Der Woodsen, with my __**bare**__ hands._

Serena caught her wrist quickly "I told him to come" Blair focused her gaze on Serena, so small, so naive. _Traitor._

Chuck sat diagonal from Blair, next to Serena ... a smile on his lips, his eyes bearing into her flesh. Blair Waldorf always the show, quite the unexpected mess. _Well fuck you _

"Running a little Westside are we Waldorf" Chuck offered. _I'm leaving and running you into the front of a truck._

Blair attempted to loosen Serena's hold on her arm but gave up after realizing she was locked awkwardly and too tired to struggle anymore.

"More like two whorehouses to Bangkok" _Suck on that._

Serena surveyed the scene quietly before finally interjecting loudly.

"Chuck" She addressed him, turning slightly "keep your fucking mouth shut." _Danm straight or better yet tape it up._

"Blair, keep it Audrey for now okay? I know you're mad but you guys need to work this out. It won't work itself out. I'm not going to be your back and forth anymore. Unfortunately," Serena motioned discreetly to Blair's stomach, "it doesn't just concern the two of you now."

With that Serena released Blair's wrist and sat back down, looking at Blair expectantly through raging eyes.

Blair stood eyeing Chuck silently, assessing the hidden dangers. _Keep it Audrey, you are Audrey._

"Fine, let's eat. I'm starving" _Might as well stock up._

"Okay, **PEACE**. For once" Serena affirmed somewhat less angered as she skimmed the contents of the menu in front of her. Entirely unable to see what was really in front of her.

Venom, lurking behind flashy smiles and stolen glances.

* * *

Blair was trying to keep composure, breathe. _Maintaining a steady glare in one direction and eating at the same time is harder than I thought_ she realized as she popped another shrimp into her mouth.

For the last hour she had successfully evaded Chuck's eyes and smart alec comments, although with each breath he took she had to exert just that much more energy into not throttling him.

Serena distracted Blair for the most part with silly banter about Nelly Yuki and little J; Delving as much as possible into the dullness of the subject with forced enthusiasm. Humming and hawing at the exact points, until she became lost enough that the subject of conversation became enticing. _Perfect_

Soon after finishing her lunch Blair looked up to see two sets of surprised eyes on her. _Yes, I'm eating. Laugh it up, drink it down. Keep it to your fucking selves._

"Excuse me" Blair interrupted Serena politely "I need to go to the ladies room."

"B, I'll come—"No_, you won't, you have to guard Chuck. Possibly discuss another unexpected visit because apparently you're not really my best friend anymore. Whoops my mistake entirely!_

"No S, stay. I'm fine" Blair exclaimed, pulling her chair back and jogging towards the restrooms.

* * *

Lying on the cold marble of the bathroom floor Blair was clutching at her sides, rubbing vigorously for passing warmth. Shivering, she managed to pull herself up against the wall, dragging her body upwards to a standing position.

Pushing the door open shoes in hand, Blair hobbled to the sink. Scoffing quietly at her reflection, desperately searching for a piece of familiarity among all her disaster. Her gaze fell to the dress, still too tight.

_What if someone's noticed? Ugh. I can't keep track of everything. Smarten up! You can't afford leaked information at this point._

Blair wanted to slap herself for such carelessness in public but settled for sticking her head under the faucet. _Degradation at this point is impossible. Only improvement can come_

The rush of water helped a little, pink faced and frowning she glanced into the mirror once more. Something caught her eye and she turned around fast, steading herself against the sink. _Get the fuck out of here Bass._

There he was in all his Armani ... taken straight from a memory. Staring straight at her and closing the gap quickly as they locked eyes. She opened her mouth to protest his presence but his mouth caught her lips before she could register what was happening.

Pushing her against the sink, one hand grasping at the cotton of her dress balling it into his fist. The other skimming her thigh, Blair fought with herself for less than a second before surrendering with a soft moan. He lifted her gently onto the counter, she opened her legs willingly. Her fingers fumbled slightly with his belt buckle as she slid his pants towards the floor.

Her heart was racing, her mind was screaming **BEHAVE, STOP. BE GOOD.** But her body was too ahead of her and all reasoning was lost before it had a chance to reach her tongue.

Chuck broke the feverish kiss, pulling down his boxers eagerly. "I want you Waldorf" He whispered, placing his hand on her panties, pulling them aside. "Want me?" He questioned, gazing into her chocolate eyes. Blair shook her head in a desperate attempt to collect herself, to stop him. A moan escaped her lips as he slid a finger into her.

"Do you want this Blair?" He growled against her collarbone, steadily drumming three fingers in and out of her wetness. _Ye- No. No. Yes. Please._

She pushed back against the mirror, her muscles tensing. Chuck was playing at a game and she was the prey loosing all strength and pleading for his continued touch.

She bit his lip gently, pulling it back. _Yes, NOW._

Chuck needed no more reason; if he waited any longer he would be losing at his own game. Sliding himself into her without effort he smiled as Blair's eyes widened and a light gasp escaped her throat. He rested his forehead against hers as she wrapped her legs around his lower back, scratching her nails down his back. _I missed you, I need this, I want to rip you apart._

He unzipped her dress expertly without losing force, and pulled the straps down her shoulders, tracing the bone with the tip of his tongue. He was desperate for every piece of her he could taste and feel. Blair's soft pleads in his ear were motivation enough to rule the world and subsequently destroy it all at the same time.

He pulled her dress up, rubbing her swollen stomach. "You're mine Waldorf" He whispered into her lips. Her eyelids fluttered, she couldn't recognize Chuck's words any longer. Teetering on the edge, he decreased speed. She opened her eyes long enough to bite into his neck and pull him back into her, he moaned.

And then she released, throwing her arms around Chucks neck. Satisfied and hazy, she licked her lips not wanting him to break their intimate embrace. He held his breath, wishing it could last longer, any excuse to feel Blair against him, enclosed upon him always. But with a rumbling growl he succumbed to the rush and pulled Blair into his chest, both gasping for breath and control.

Blair was confused; she took in bits and pieces as reality set in.

The bathroom, the ceiling, Chuck's pants sprawled on the floor. Her legs wrapped around his back, heels in flesh. And just like that they were on separate continents again.

He kissed her head softly, before pulling out of her and placing his legs back into his pants.

Fear radiated off of Chuck muddling the actions.

He wanted to save her, love her, need her.

It was gnawing at his skin, crying for his attention.

He needed alcohol; he needed to be away from Blair.

He needed to see things clearly.

Why was he here, what was he doing.

He smiled weakly as he fixed himself. Gathering the image of Blair's hazelnut hair falling in fuzzed knots around her neck, the sweat gleaming off of her chest, the purplish bruise of his lips on the base of her throat, the hint of his saliva on her bottom lip.

She was waiting. Needing something she didn't want to crave. Frozen in place, a broken statue staring at the pieces of herself sprawled on the floor.

Blair recognized the change in atmosphere automatically bracing herself as he grabbed hold of her lips lightly. Closing her eyes and listening to his retreating footsteps, the click of an unlocking door, a tear falling down her cheek.

She took herself back to the last half an hour, feeling the emotions over again, as she jumped off the counter and zipped her dress back up. Cutting the image of Chuck rushing out of the restaurant from her thoughts. Focusing instead on what she would say to disregard the questioning look on Serena's face once she could bring herself through the threshold.

_I am Audrey, minus the scent of a man on me. _

_At least it'll look like a Bass never touched me_ Blair_ thought to_ herself as she pulled her hair into a neat ponytail and placed her feet into her shoes, straightening out her dress.

_Sort of ..._

* * *

_A/N: I'm back! I had a bit of trouble with this chapter ... sorry for the delay! A little smut there at the end, not too much though ;P I want to thank all my faithful reviewers and subscribers (it means so much!) And I'd like to give a shout out to all my silent readers (your important too!) I hope you like this chapter and have a good monday (since it's 12: 26am) Gossip girl tonight! I'm expecting some very good Chuck and Blair scenes, or at least one !!! I'd love to hear what you think may happen in the next chapter and all that good stuff so don't forget to review ;)_


	7. Being adult, sort of

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gossip girl! If I did (like so many other GG fanfic writers) Chuck and Blair would manage to stay together for more then just a few episodes.

* * *

I wish that without me your heart would break,  
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.  
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,  
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Basically, I wished that you loved me.

- The nicest thing

* * *

Chapter Seven:

"B you can do this" Serena encouraged lightly as she pushed Blair out of her bedroom and into the hallway; she was dead weight, fumbling forward slightly. Serena moved to face Blair, pushing a stray lock of hair behind her ear while stooping as best she could on the end of her heels to match the height of her companion.

Blair was frozen in place un-naturally pale, her red lips hung open in a jagged square. Serena frowned as worry bubbled in her chest, searching for a way to break through the thick fog of Blair's thoughts.

"Your clothes barely fit anymore B!" She whispered jokingly, trying to jumble the mood a little as she touched the sleeve of Blair's purple empire waist dress. Blair didn't flinch, she barely even blinked and Serena wondered if she had understood her.

She waited a few long moments praying that Blair would respond somehow before turning on her right foot so that once again she was directly behind the petite brunette. She gently placed her hands on either side of Blair's shoulders and started inching towards the stairs when suddenly her best friend swung around, a singular tear falling from her cheek and dropping onto the white carpet.

A frown fell upon her features as she jutted her bottom lip out in agony, directly gazing into Serena's eyes. She felt sick with shame; her legs were lead, heavy and clumsy. She couldn't walk another step and she wouldn't, she quickly assessed the distance from where she was standing to her bedroom and then glared meaningfully at the one thing intercepting her from being where she should have been. _Serena._

Serena met Blair's fierce gaze with reassurance that if she ran there would be no problem in dragging her right back. Blair opened her mouth to protest, whine, or scream, something to get her out of what had to be done but thought better of it and clamped her mouth shut hard.

_I should not have to do this, things aren't supposed to go this way._

She turned, feeling the weight of her hair as it fell around her, hitting her back with a light thump. With a sigh she placed her bare feet on the first step glancing back at Serena who flashed her teeth in a weak smile; attempting to ease Blair's nerves.

Descending the stairs as quietly as possible she reached the cold marble of the foyer and scrambled in the direction of the living room. Collapsing onto a velvet beige couch, she her head into the arm; inhaling as best she could the faint smell of dried roses. Imagining being swallowed by the cushions without a trace helped to keep her mind off of what she was waiting for.

Blair was leading herself into the lion's den unrehearsed, and reeking with fear. She would be lucky enough to get out half mangled, and somewhat mentally intact.

"Blair?" Eleanor's voice boomed from the corner of the room as she flittered her eyes open to watch her mother come to a halt in front of her, a questioning look on her face. She rarely ever spent time in the living-room unless it was for some type of social obligation or on Eleanor's command.

Blair stood fast, faltering as she felt a rush of adrenaline pulse through her body. Steadying herself after a moment she began twisting a ring around her finger nervously.

"Mother," A black ball of ugly feelings had invaded her stomach and was quickly latching itself onto any unused space "Can I talk to you for a second?"

Eleanor nodded as Blair led the way into the dining room taking a seat in one of the chairs, trying to focus on the window behind her mother and the deep yellow of the sun as it hung in the sky. Her heart was beating fast and it took several deep breaths before she could gather enough courage to look into her mothers eyes.

"What is it, I have a meeting in less then two hours"

Blair noted that Eleanor's voice sounded slightly irritated as she slowly checked her watch, obviously wishing she was already at the office, reaching across the table with one hand to pat Blair's cheek "Your wearing too much blush it makes you look **cheap**".

She flushed even more, feeling the bitter taste of resentment nip at her tongue. _Just get it over with, now or never_

"Mom," She started; opting for informal "I'm pregnant" her voice a half sob as she continued "around 3 months." Letting out a long breath she watched as her mother's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open involuntarily.

In a second her face turned from tan to an unhealthy green and then to an indefinite and worrisome purple. Tension was building all around them, the glass table they were seated at would have shattered and cut wrists if looks could kill.

"Charles" She sputtered between heavy breaths.

Blair made no effort to respond, that in turn was enough for Eleanor. She sat in a mixture of emotions as relief finally washed over her while her mother started.

"YOUR RUINING YOUR LIFE YOU KNOW THAT?" She slammed her hands so hard into the table Blair flinched as her mother's bracelets bent with the force.

Eleanor's eyes were centered entirely on Blair, nothing else mattered, everything she could have brought into her gaze was being streamed directly at her daughter and Blair felt it. It made her want to run for miles in any direction, as long as it was far away from where she was.

"WHAT ABOUT YALE BLAIR? YALE!" She turned away; a disgusted look on her face, and for a moment Blair was convinced she was about to witness her mother throw up all over the hardwood. Twisting her body back to her daughter after a long minute of unused silence her eyes softened to an almost desperate pleading.

"Blair what about your life, this will change everything" she whispered, near tears herself.

Blair knew she was shattering the expectations that had been placed on her at birth, she felt that pain and had embraced it but her mother would have to understand, she would have to know.

"Mom—"

"No, I don't want to hear it." she interrupted quickly; voice thick with tremors "Does Lily know?"

Blair sat back a little, why did it matter?

"I don't know, Chuck's made himself nobody's business since Bart died" Blair spat back. _If you ever paid attention to one word I've said in my life, you would know that._

Eleanor slumped into her chair, folding her hands under her breasts as she leaned into the table.

The only sound in the room was the laboured breathing of Eleanor as broken sobs started escaping her chest. Blair closed her eyes as tight as possible, allowing her hands to stroke her stomach. The ugly pit of feelings had dissolved and all that remained was an overwhelming sense of right.

She had done all she needed to do, handled it better then she thought she could have. _Maybe this is possible after all; maybe I'm not as lost as I feel_

Blair lifted herself from the chair and exited the room feeling elated, she had achieved the impossible and nothing felt too far away anymore. Everything had fallen into perspective and she felt confident in her own strength to live her life the way it was meant to be lived. And in that moment despite all the mistakes she had made, she couldn't regret the human growing inside of her. The moments that had lead up to its creation, she was less inclined to think that life was a series of random events thrown together haphazardly.

No, for once Blair Waldorf was fully believing in fate and standing as she did in the foyer, 3 months pregnant with a broken dream lying in the dining room; she knew she was exactly where she was supposed to be and it freed her. She was no longer confined to tradition, politeness, obligation, or passive aggressiveness. It was the best feeling in the world and she never wanted to let it go.

She skipped to her room, flopping onto the bed with a smile. Serena sat in front of the vanity re-applying grey eye shadow to her eyes as she noticed Blair combing her fingers through her hair and casting a downward glance at the bathroom.

"Are you okay?" Serena was unsure at how to react; Blair had brought a wave of happiness with her as she entered. Considering that she had just told her workaholic mother that she was pregnant with the spawn of the most infamous womanizer on the Upper East Side a grin and laughter was the last thing she expects to slip from Blair's lips, butthey did. Echoing off the walls and swirling around the two best friends excitedly. Serena watched Blair from the mirror as she got up and threw a sweater around herself. Prancing up to Serena and bending down, breathing warm air onto Serena's cold cheeks as she placed a dry kiss on her cheek.

* * *

Blairs knees were shaking violently as she stood in front of the door, coughing a few times she raised her hand in a tight fist to knock. Anxiety was taking over, her chest constricted rapidly as she dug her long fingernails into her palm, whitening her knuckles.

Despite feeling absoloutely ecstatic earlier Blair had reduced herself to a mess of insecurities as she had made her way through the Palace hotel, standing infront of suit 1812 she was fighting just to keep her heels planted firmly on the ground as the muscles in her arm began to ache from being stiffened for too long.

_I can do this, I can do this_

She chanted. Mouthing the words without making a sound, hoping they would stick to her skin and absorb well enough to be taken to heart. Wincing in anticipation of movement she turned her head to face the elevator as her fist made loud contact with the door in front of her several times.

Listening intently for Chuck, needing him to forget all aspects of their rendevous in Sip last week.

The door gave way to a darkness as Blair strained to see past it an arm extended grabbing her purse and pulling her forcibly inside.

Chuck stood before her, even in absoloute darkness she could make out the purple bruises under his eyes, smell the stench of fine cigars and malt scotch as it lingered on every surface, in every stitch of his clothing. His brown hair was gelled to perfection, a blue polka-dot tie loosened considerably around his neck as a creme coloured overshirt buttoned only halfway up his chest gaveway to ashen skin.

"I knew you'd come" He exclaimed gruffly, moving towards her as she stepped backwards into the wall; he placed his hands on both sides of her. Inescapable. "I just didn't think it would take this long." His breath was sweet against her neck, inviting.

Blair felt light headed, with his body being in such a close proximatey all her thoughts were letting loose, memories mixed with fantasy and she found herself digging her nails into her palms once more in order to peel away from her imagination.

"Chuck please" She scoffed loudly, ducking underneath his arms and walking around to the large bay window. She pulled the curtians back rapidly enough that the brass screeched in compliance as the sun cast light on the room before her.

Clothes were thrown in every which direction, as several plates of room service adorned every flat surface. The sheets on the bed were wrinkled and tossed aside, while open bottles of champagne, whiskey, and vodka fit themselves on almost every plate, a crystal glass for each. She scrunched her nose, Chuck hadn't left his suite in days that was more evident then it needed to be.

Inhaling deeply she sought to hold any feeling of calm her body might have posessed as she looked up at him once again.

He was staring right back at her, his pupils enlarged considerably, still drunk from the night before or the early morning. He didn't move towards her or even move at all, he just stood against the far wall, giving her time to take him in bit by bit. She arched an eyebrow as her eyes fell to his waist, he wasn't wearing pants only bright yellow boxers. Under normal circumstances Blair might have laughed at this but there was a seriousness to him in that moment that told her it was better to taste blood then mention it.

She took a step towards him cautiously, still staring as she placed her hands on her hips. She desperatley wanted to break the silence, to make the air less humid with complication but couldn't find the right words.

"I'm almost three months you know" She quipped, it may not have been the best starter but at least it would widen the spectrum of conversation.

Chuck's brow furrowed as he turned to the table behind him picking up a glass of scotch and downing it rapidly.

"I know," He breathed smirking, "and how do you feel?" It seemed like an honest direct question but Blair was wary of answering it.

"I'm fine ... sort of. It's not as bad as it was for the first little while-"

"Like the doctor said."

Blair nodded, she stood tall feeling bold yet so breakable. For a second she wondered if he could see just how fragile she was, how breakable and how broken she managed to be all at once. She knew he was torn to pieces, she'd caught it on his face a few times but he was generally very good with his masks and rarely slipped up, afraid of being human. They weren't those kinds of people. They couldn't discuss their problems or their feelings very openly. It just wasn't them.

"Anyway," Blair shifted her weight and exhaled all the negativity she could gather before continuing " I told Eleanor." _That's it, it's out._

She observed Chuck's facial expression as his smirk fell to a straight line and his face grew pale. _It's not like I wanted to have to tell you this, you insist on being included so there you fucking go._

"I suppose I should be expecting a call from Lily this afternoon then" he assumed, focusing all his anger into souding nonchalant as he choked down yet another glass of scotch.

"Probobly." she had given up on looking at him, staring instead at the trim of the room behind him as he spoke.

"Without me"

"Yes, without you."

He was in front of her in seconds, a hiss escaping his teeth as he took her chin in his hand.

"And you didn't find it **necessary** for me to be there at all" he countered sharply.

"No I actually didn't" she responded angrily, trying to pull out of his hold as he tightened his fingers around her cheeks.

He moved towards her ear slowly, not breaking her gaze as his lip brushed the shell of her ear deliberately.

"Funny" Blair felt like she couldn't breathe, her heart was hammering loudly, practically silencing his low tone. "Last I checked it takes two to _tango_." He glared into her eyes a moment too long before releasing her head in a deep shove.

"What the fuck!" She yelled, rubbing at her jaw as he made his way across the room. Taking a seat on the bed and facing away from her as he brushed something off of his shoulder, draping his hands over his face.

She wanted to reach out to him, bridge the gap, build something out of the destruction, but then it occurred to her that none of what could happen would ever be worth it. It was true they would be forever bound together in one way but in reality they would always exist in separate worlds. There were no words and no materials that could be build a bridge strong enough to connect the two, at least not now.

"It doesn't even matter Chuck don't be so offended, you make absoloutley no sense to me anymore." Her words stung the inside of her mouth as she spoke them.

He wasn't supposed to confuse her, she was always one step ahead and then one day it was like she woke up 2 miles behind with a severe handicap. He was running the show somehow, the scenes had been switched up and the dialogue had been thrown away before she could even blink. It needed to stop, she needed to be at the helm, without the terrible ache of emptiness, and take back what was hers.

_So what if he's angry, he has no right._

She walked as gracefully as she could to the bed, taking a seat beside him. She was going out on a limb, but the anger and hostility boiling under her porcelian skin would crack into a million pieces if she didn't give it air.

"I don't know what you think is going on between us" She stated while her eyes glued themselves to the floor, a cowardly warrior.

He brushed a hand through his hair and looked up at her as she concealed a smile at his flushed cheeks and forced a frown onto her lips "but there's nothing. There always has been nothing. I wouldn't be talking to you if it weren't for this baby" Blair squeezed her eyes shut quickly to fight back salty tears. She didn't know why she was crying, in all honesty it felt like the truth to her, it was what she needed to say. To get off her chest, to releive the weight of Chuck from her dreams.

She stood as he opened his mouth to speak, staring down at him.

He looked taken aback, he had never looked smaller to her.

"Blair," He struggled for the explanation, almost pained at having to do so.

"If I knew what to say, beleive me I'd say it" he finished mumbling, unsatisfied with how he was handling the situation.

She could see so many things in him she wanted to take, so many things she needed, but she also caught a darkness in him as his eyes traced over her body. It pulled her into him and she was melted in his weakness, in his glimpses of humanity, too captivated to notice how thin the ice she was treading had become.

She broke the image in two and sent it to the back of her mind before interrupting the silence.

"I know."

Smiling briefly before making her way to the door she reached for the handle and felt him fall in step behind her, conforming to the position of her body. She didn't breathe or turn around as his lips grazed the tip of nape of her neck tracing a thin line of warmth to her shoulder.

"I feel sorry for any child of yours already."

The gloves were off, he wasn't going to let her leave without kicking her down a few notches even if it was through blatant lies. Blair struggled to keep her tone light, she should have known better then to think he would let her escape his clutches with more then nothing.

"Don't do this"

"Do what? It'll definatley be inappropriate to have a whore as a mother" He breathed sympathetically into a fistful of her hair "We'll have to see what can be done about that."

Chuck was hitting a vein, turning it the deepest purple with his words.

Blair's heart skipped a beat as she lifted her hand and turned quickly, smacking him across the face as hard as she could manage.

He laughed lightly, pulling on Blair's strings had been so complicated before. Now, he need only mention the idea of a custody battle and she was taken apart in pieces instantly. He didn't want to hurt her but she had started it and Chuck Bass would not walk away emptyhanded at any cost.

"You make me sick" She seethed, grabbing the doorhandle and storming into the hallway.

"It's too bad you don't like that about me anymore" He called sarcastically as she stepped into the elevator.

* * *

Chuck growled angrily against the wall as frusteration fueled him. Succumbing to the numbing feeling of the scotch he walked over to the closet and pulled a leather suitcase from the top shelf.

He didn't know what he was doing or where he was going to go but anywhere felt better then there, trapped between suffocating regret and desire. He started throwing pieces of clothing into the suitcase at random, he would pay someone to pick up the rest later, pushing all thoughts of Blair out of his head with countless sips of vodka as he went.

Tripping into the shower a few minutes later, he tried to sort himself out.

A thousand different reasonings were dropping in front of him, waiting patiently for aknowledgment but unseen as iggnorance was chosen over truth. Chuck's vision gained a fuzzy edge as he stepped out of the shower and started drying off, yet another reason why he was entirely thankful for a bottomless supply of hard liquor. It kept him from having to truly face himself and those that he wanted. It was the perfect excuse, the best remedy, the most exquisite lover. Yes, achohol was all Chuck Bass needed.

An hour later he sat stiffly in his seat as the jet prepared for take-off, feeling foolish for a few moments. He imagined himself as as a child who knew what was right and wrong but went with wrong anyway just because he could get away with it.

It was clear that Blair didn't want him in her life, or in their baby's life and maybe he didn't want to be either. Or maybe he did. It was all getting blurry as he stopped the flight attendant and requested a refill in slurred speech.

One thing he could make out between all the useless things falling through his thoughts was the defined rage in Blair's palm as it met his jaw, her body retreating from his suite without so much as a backwards glance, carrying the only worthy part of Chuck Bass beneath her heart.

* * *

_A/N: Gasp! Okay that might not have been what you imagined happening next but trust me I thought about this and we all know how Chuck get's when things don't work out the way he wants them to especially if he's not sure of something. And well, when you add Blair Waldorf to that you can definatley see the outcome! I'm sorry it took so long to update but I've been swamped with grad stuff =_= I'm going to try to update at least once a week though. Thanks so much for your continued support! Please review!_


	8. Conversations using words

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gossip girl. If I did (like so many other GG fanfic writers) Chuck and Blair would manage to actually be together for more than just a few episodes at a time.

* * *

Chapter Eight:

Blair exhaled deeply, wishing as she rested against her headboard that she had ceiling tiles instead of oak beams. At least then she would have been able to occupy herself with the menial yet time consuming task of counting them all. Her head had formed a throbbing rhythm similar to that of the raw aching in her back halfway through the day. Since then she had confined herself to the apartment, more specifically her room, under means of needed relaxation and rest.

Eleanor hadn't felt inclined to more than usual conversation or involvement with Blair since she had told her mother about the impending Bass-Waldorf baby a few days previous and things had slipped quietly back into place as well as could be managed.

Blair willed for sleep as she straightened her black lace negligee and turned onto her side. Moments froze suspended in time, mocking her mercilessly with their slow dance along the edges of thoughts and memories.

She was uncomfortable, feeling the weight packing onto her bones; practically an orca already. Drifting in and out of consciousness she winced as the familiar twinge of hunger settle in her stomach.

A few hours later Blair glanced at the clock in passing as she sat up from her resting position. Stretching her arms out slowly and flexing her fingers while rolling her eyes in annoyance.

The day had fallen though her grasp, mixed away with long naps and endless thinking. The sun, if it had ever made an appearance during the day, retreated behind thick grey clouds. Blair pushed herself off the bed and over to the window, placing her palm on the frosted glass. Rain was coming, the wind had picked up she noted; as several tree's swayed violently from side to side. Maybe even a storm. Blair found herself hoping for it, the frantic nervousness of unpredictable weather. It was calming to think that such emotions could exist outside of just her no matter how private they seemed.

Chills ran up her spine as she focused on the cold inhuman feel of glass against her palm, allowing her body heat to seep away from her as she slowly pressed herself against it. She was fighting to stay alert, to keep her emotions at bay, to keep her thoughts sharp.

Every day she was losing parts of herself, they were falling off faster then she could retrieve and glue back on. The fire inside felt like it was dying and it filled her with fear of the unknown. She had grown most attached to the idea of her baby, a part of her she wouldn't cut away, the reason for such a change.

Blair could count on one hand the people who she loved or had once loved really and truly without illusion or deception from her own emotions.

_Daddy and Serena._

Only two people came to mind; 2 fingers out of five, ten to be specific. Blair's father had always been there for her, he had been her world and even so he had abandoned her for France, for his boyfriend, for a new life. Serena was unchangeable; Blair had accepted that no matter what Van Der Woodsen did she would always have a place beside her. There was no Blair without Serena, no Serena without Blair.

A few people that would make it on practically anyone else's list didn't grace the blank pages of Blair's mind as she continued thinking. She'd left Eleanor out without a second overlook, in all her life she had only strived desperately for her mother's acceptance and praise. The second Blair had broken the bones of those dreams she'd realized that the basis of her determination on that part was fear and not love as one might hope.

Chuck. Now he was confusing; too many strings to untangle and darkness to move past, their differences made them incompatible, or at least his constant defiance of anything stable did. There laid a potential within the thought of him that Blair had consumed herself with over and over in previous years but it seemed hardly worth any struggle. She was too weak to do his dance any longer, and too stubborn to be honest or questioning.

Nate. Although many things, including the Golden child, he couldn't even slip into the category of first love with Blair Waldorf any longer. Her trysts with Chuck had left a stronger impression, a deeper desire. Something Archibald could reach for but never attain. Not that anyone would ever think there was something lacking once they gazed into his eyes and perceived the outline of his muscular chest through any one of his polo shirts.

And the thought stopped there. Blair frowned as she brushed her hair behind her eyes and leaned away from the glass, walking towards the closet. She grabbed her only pair of jeans off a far shelf and managed to pull her thick thighs through them with moderate struggling. A nagging feeling had fallen over her and as she fastened the button to her jeans she frowned deeply. It had been brought on by the fact that her list of exiles was almost as short as her list of includes.

_How depressing._

* * *

After braiding her hair neatly and shrugging into an oversized grey sweater Blair applied some chap stick and took a long look in the vanity mirror. Staring back was someone she would never think had reason to surface. A jean wearing, minimalist, version of the Queen Bee ... fatter, with a sickly tint of pale to her features. Nothing was manicured or in place as she stood, looking again in the mirror at her slightly swelled stomach; furrowing her brow instantly.

Blair angrily strode to her door, yanking it open with exceptional force as she stomped loudly into the hallway and down the stairs without the air of a polite and dainty presence. Making her way to the fridge she walked past a confused Dorota dusting the crystal vase in the dining room.

A few minutes later Blair was counting breaths as she inhaled and exhaled slowly trying to recall composure. She couldn't explain the anger that was flowing through her so freely but the force of it was pulling her off to the side and compiling anxiety dutifully as she chewed on her third stick of celery.

She walked out of the kitchen a degree or two more at peace then when she had entered, the crook of her right arm cradling a box of saltines and a bottle of water. Under her sweater held in place by her stiff left arm, a box of red vines pressed into her side.

No sooner than the second Blair's foot made contact with the last square of marble in the foyer did she hear the distinctive ding of the elevator as the doors slid open and someone emerged. She considered turning her body in greeting of whoever might have just entered the penthouse but thought better of it and continued onwards.

"Blair!" _Serena._

She swirled fast to face the body of her best friend as she watched Serena move towards her quickly, the usual smile missing from her face.

"Serena!" Blair screeched back, surprised to see her as Serena came to a slow stop in front of her.

_Why is she here, did I call her accidentally earlier. What's going on? Is there anything going on?_

"My mom's here" She exclaimed quietly narrowing her eyes as she spoke "Eleanor called her."

"What?!" Blair responded as she fought to keep her freshly bottled anger out of her blood.

"I _tried _calling you but you never answered" _Shit, my phone._

Blair looked down for a moment, her eyes searching the floor for answers.

"It must have died ... I fell asleep."

"It doesn't matter, their in the lobby now. I think she wanted to keep her arranged talk a secret but my mom didn't know, she said she was coming over and I said I'd join." Serena paused for a second, attempting to gauge Blair's reaction before continuing. Her face was blank, emotionless, probably trying to work out what was being said.

"I stayed around for as long as I could but it turns out you can only wait for the elevator for so long." Serena laughed but didn't meet Blair's eyes. She was worried too, Blair could feel it.

She grabbed the box of red vines out from under her sweater and balanced it atop the saltines as she grabbed Serena's arm and pulled her up the stairs and into her room in a mad rush.

Every muscle in her body had tensed as she placed the contents of her fridge finds on the desk and turned back to Serena who was sitting on the edge of the bed occupying her eyes with a piece of paper in her hands.

"Their talking about Chuck" Serena stated in near whispers.

"I know" Blair retorted, sarcasm biting at the ends of her words "Eleanor won't let up, she wants Chuck to take responsibility, whatever that means."

"Sounds like Eleanor"

"I know, thank God she hasn't said anything about marriage. Maybe she'll just have him make a public service announcement or cut off his balls" Blair felt somewhat proud for making a joke as she continued to watch her best friend.

Serena laughed at the idea but the warmth in her eyes seemed absent. Blair had never seen her like this, she had gone from anxious to lethargic in seconds, and her eyes didn't deviate from her hands. So consumed by that piece of paper ...

Her knees felt weak, whatever had caught Serena 's tongue was sure to make off with Blair's heart, it had taken a second for her to realize that this type of deafening silence was never a good sign and as soon as the realization hit her, Blair crumpled against the bed frame at Serena's feet.

Serena glanced down at Blair, she had meant to speak, she didn't want to sound the alarms just yet but when she had sat down within Blair's reach, all of the words in the English dictionary had escaped her.

She hated Chuck. Hated him for being selfish, arrogant, weak and fucked up. She wanted to kill him for continuously hurting Blair, for leaving, for making her explain his actions as if she could understand his stupidity.

"S, what is it?" Blair's voice was trembling, sombre.

"I –"Serena breathed, trying to find the best way to start, "I -- I don't know how to say this. So I'm just going to put it bluntly okay?" She didn't bother waiting for a response as she continued "Chuck left. I don't know when exactly, sometime between when we saw him at the adoption hearing and when everything was finalized on Monday. I don't know where he went, God knows if I did I'd have gone and cut him into a billion pieces and burned them to ashes already. He left a note, it's not much but it's all _his majesty_ decided to leave with us" Serena ended her explanation bitterly, keeping her eyes trained on the colour of her purse as she bent to offer Blair the piece of paper.

* * *

The room was spinning out of control, her furniture was a blur, all her posters, bookshelves and the closet were faded as Blair felt herself grow dizzy. Weakly accepting the note from Serena, as she forced the celery she had just consumed to keep its place in her stomach and not in her throat.

Blair didn't move to open it, she couldn't even think of opening it. She kept it folded, crushing it with her eyes as she suddenly became conflicted about whether or not she should throw it away or read it. She could have spent hours pondering that stupid conflict of interest and it wouldn't become any less important to her. She wanted to laugh, it seemed only fitting that Chuck Bass' last words to her be less then a short paragraph, written at the last second most likely without thought or detail.

Blair untangled her limbs and wiped at her eyes as if tears had begun to fall, she heard a low cough beside her and remembered that she wasn't as alone as she felt. Serena was probobly expecting her to open the note, rip the wound as wide open as it would go as fast as possible, that was the Blair thing to do. Someone she couldn't bring herself to be in the moment, instead she found herself pondering whether or not she would ever find the strength to unfold the flimsy thing.

"S, I think I need to be alone," She coughed weakly. It was vague and unexplained but Blair wasn't going to offer up any explantion if Serena even bothered to ask.

_She's not going to leave, I should have worded it better._

Blair listened silently as Serena got up and bent down to look her in the eyes "B, I'm sorry ... I really am. I don't want to go but if you need to be alone than I'm not going to force myself on you. I'll try to understand."

Blair smiled, grabbing her best friend into a tight hug as she whispered a soft thank you into Serena's ear.

She knew that she was just elevating the worry in Serena's mind, giving it time to expand. She had never before openly turned away the support of friends, even with little things. Now, facing something so monstrously large she was letting Serena have the rest of the night Blairless. It hardly made sense but none the less Serena was obliging and that was all that mattered.

As Blair released Serena and watched her walk out of her bedroom she had the fleeting desire to scream out in sobs and whispers not to be left but quickly smothered the image as she scolded her childish tendencies.

She sat still, making a game of it. Seeing how long she could go before the pain would find a crack in her exterior. She dropped her body further onto the floor curling in a ball, expectant. Wincing as she felt it ebb at the corners. She lost track of time quickly, it passed without mention before she was finally able to sit upright again. Exhausted from crying she looked into her clenched fist, the tiny piece of paper now crumpled and torn in resentment and shame.

Blair opened the note and skimmed it's contents warily. The writing was smugged and messy, she could barely make out the words.

_I'm sorry, can't handle this ... don't know what to do._

_Don't try and find me, I'm not ready._

_B,_

_Hate me, forget about me, I'm worthless._

_Charles B. Bass_

It was almost as pathetic as she thought it would be, **almost. **Blair couldn't put her finger on it but somehow it didn't even sound like him. She tore the note in two, tossing it away from her line of vision as she nervously ran a hand through her hair.

_I can do this, I've thought about this_ Blair tried to re-affirm while doubt lurked on the endtails, ready to suffocate.

Nothing would stop her now, _who needs men_? And with that she lifted her head a little higher, her thoughts became a little less overwhelming.

She could look towards the future with certianty, Blair Waldorf wouldn't let herself down.

* * *

_A/N: Arg who else is suffering from this mid season hiatus?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Oh man. Anyway, a Chuckless Chapter! I feel so bad for Blair, it's just one thing after another (poor girl) Will she be able to do everything all on her own or has the queen bee finally found something she doesn't have enough determination for? As always thanks for the subscriptions and reads, it means a lot! Please take the time to review!!_


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